The Value of Strong Marriages

            I’m reading in a lot of places that same-sex marriage in the U. S. is not a matter of if, but when. Time will tell; in the meantime, I have found it interesting to observe how the same-sex marriage movement has been able to pull this off.

            Let me offer a reason that I have not seen discussed much: people in Western culture instinctively yearn to see marriage succeed. People intuitively understand that the preservation of marriage offers society stability and hope. Unfortunately, the unofficial consensus is heterosexual marriage has failed and will never succeed; therefore, gay marriage should be given its chance.

            I am not saying I agree with same-sex marriage. I do not. And, obviously, my assessment in this post is an opinion. Having said that, the best way to persuade our culture concerning the value of heterosexual marriage is to offer it many examples of strong heterosexual marriages.

Think Different

I’ve seen various versions of the following joke. My favorite was sent to me by a friend:

His and Her Diaries

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster!

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

Marriage is hard. Spouses see things differently. To become married, you have to transform your mindset to a different way of thinking.

            We have seen this in other fields. Apple, a few years ago, launched a new advertising campaign—“Think Different.”  (Think different, not grammatically.) The company was integrating everything: music, computers, cell phones… a complete break from the rest of the industry.

A mantra for God could be, “Think different.” For example, in Acts 10, God was doing a work that was going to blow Peter's mind. He had to show Peter what He was up to.

In Acts 10, we have a very good man who was known as Cornelius. He was a Gentile. Cornelius was in a journey of faith, but he was not yet in a saving relationship with Jesus. So God went to a lot of trouble to see to it that it happened. However, there was a problem.

God had chosen to work through the people of the church, and they did not have the same mindset He did. For example, he spoke to a fellow named Peter. Peter was an apostle. Peter was part of the household of Israel. One day, Peter went up to an out-of-the-way place to pray.

Peter had been trained to look at food in specific ways. Now God was telling him to think different. God was telling Peter to think different about food so that he could think different about people. God wanted to bring different people into the kingdom. This was going to be a huge stretch for Peter and others who were like him.

            What Peter did not remember was that God was always about community. You go back to Genesis 2: God started building his most fundamental community–and what was that? Marriage.

            Now folks, Judy and I are married. We are very different. Our bodies are different. She is a female, and I am a male.

Do we think alike? No. She is an early riser. I have built pyramids of pillows on top of my head trying to cut out any sign of sound and light at 5:30 in the morning while she is getting ready for her day; I'm trying to sleep… because I am a late-to-bed person. (Of course, according to Ben Franklin, Judy is healthy, wise, and, now that she is a full-time teacher, surely soon to be wealthy!)

            Judy would love to set a thermostat to 70° in the winter time. I would be happy to turn off the heater until the temperature drops below 50°. (It is winter after all; we can bundle up.)

            A few years ago, we negotiated.

            Judy said, “Let’s put the thermostat at 65.”

            I said, “Let’s put it at 60.”

            We compromised… at 65.

            God, in his mysterious wisdom, has called Judy and me together in community. Somehow, we work it out. Sometimes it is through submission; sometimes it is through compromise–but we make it work.

            Now, there are those in our society today who are trying to eliminate the difference and create marriages for those who are as much alike as possible—including alike in gender. But God has always said, in His word, regarding marriage–think different.

            As for Judy and me, God, in His infinite wisdom, understands that Judy and I, as we struggle with our differences, if we submit to the work of the Holy Spirit, are being transformed more and more into the image of Christ.

            Let's expand this a little bit. God called the world to his community of people, initially through a fellow name Abraham. He cultivated a people. Later, he would call that community Israel. They were to take the good news of God to the entire world, 
“It is too small a thing for you to be my servant 
to restore the tribes of Jacob and bring back those of Israel I have kept. 
I will also make you a light for the Gentiles, that you may bring my salvation to the ends of the earth” (Is. 49:6.) NIV 1984

            God was saying: I want to call the world to this community.

But this community–Israel–could not get over the difference between themselves and the rest of the world. They could not think different. They wanted to think--same. They wanted only those who were like them in their community.

            What they did not realize is that God would have done a work on them had they allowed him to do so. He would have transformed them into a people of his character through this difficult work of interacting with those who were different, but that was not a priority for the Israelites.

            Unfortunately, too often, the Israelites thought about what they wanted and that messed up the work of God. You have got to think about God and his Kingdom—what God wants.

(To be continued next week.)

           

Five Things I Think I Think (with a nod to Peter King for this idea)

1. I found the book Eisenhower-The White House Years by Jim Newton to be enjoyable. I had read that it broke new ground because of the access the author had to classified documents that had recently been declassified. Yes, the book broke new ground, but… it was not to the extent as advertised. However, these new revelations continue to draw out the fact that Eisenhower was the true leader of his White House. Moreover, I found those endorsing the book on the cover (including a few democrats) fascinating

2. John Eisenberg’s book That First Season did not break much new ground either about Vince Lombardi’s first season with the Green Bay Packers back in 1959. Probably, the more accurate statement would be Eisenberg provided a few more details about what occurred that first year in Green Bay than other books. Still, the book was interesting; furthermore, I was impressed by the quantity of people the author interviewed.

3. Okay, so I was wrong last week about Denver’s defense. They looked awful. I am picking San Fran over New York and Baltimore over New England. However, the glamour Super Bowl matchup would be New England vs. New York—a rematch of their epic 2008 battle.

4. I’m intrigued by Kiefer Sutherland’s new TV show Touch. 

5. I downloaded new music to my iTunes last week, and everyone in my family loves it. It’s called “Hero in Waiting”, and its composed by David Robidioux of NFL Films. You might recognize portions of the piece. I find it stirring and beautiful.

# 1 Thing I Have Learned Each Decade: Decade # 4—God Is Gracious

            During my first two decades, life was relatively easy. The third decade of my life, I discovered that life was hard. This was a good lesson for me, because it prepared me to appreciate what I learned in the fourth decade of my life – God is gracious.

            I discovered God’s grace in college. I internalized the biblical message that I was saved by grace. However, I was in my 30s before I truly began to appreciate God's gracious activity in my life and each blessing He gave me.

            One place this was exemplified was in my profession. The first five years of the decade, I lived in Argentina doing foreign mission work. I loved those years. Until my children were born, those were the greatest years of my life.

            In 1995, I was given the privilege to preach at a church in Brownsville, Texas. Four years later, I was blessed to begin preaching in Winters, Texas, near Abilene and Abilene Christian University.

            I thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated both jobs. The two jobs were diverse in some ways. Each offered its own challenges. Moreover, I had many things to learn. Nevertheless, I appreciated getting to participate with God in His mission. Equally important, I appreciated God allowing me to follow the passions of my heart and aligning those passions with my profession.

            Having worked in real estate and roofed houses during the decade of my twenties, I was able to fully embrace the chance to do something I truly loved to do. I have not worked since I quit roofing in 1989.

            Let me elaborate: I cannot stress what a blessing it was (and is) to feel like I was doing what I was created to do; this sense allowed me to enjoy my work. When a person enjoys his work, it is not a job.

            The second major area in which God reinforced His graciousness was in the area of family. Judy’s and my natural-born daughters entered into this world during this decade.

            Fatherhood presented ENORMOUS challenges. I learned this immediately after Haleigh’s birth.

            Haleigh was born a little prematurely and did not eat enough in the first few months of her life. We had to wake her up literally every two hours—twelve times every 24-hour-period—to feed her.

            The physical and emotional strain was enormous. I can remember walking the streets of Argentina searching for something Haleigh’s pediatrician recommended and literally telling God, “I don’t know if I can do this (be a father.)”

            We somehow made it through that crisis, as well as the crisis our second daughter, Abby, endured when she ceased breathing immediately after birth and was placed in Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for two weeks.

            From a selfish perspective, it seemed hard taking a day off each week with two little girls whose idea of fun was to play dolls, play dress up, and play CANDYLAND. I hate CANDYLAND, but I played it over and over with them.

            Personal pleasure for parents, of course, is irrelevant; however, I was later blessed to enjoy the fruit of those relationships, which was formed during those hours on the floor with dolls and CANDYLAND game boards. It wasn’t long before those girls grew out of those life phases and chose interests that corresponded with mine.

            Again, not that it is a right, but relatively early in my parenting career, I received the blessing of not only raising my kids but enjoying them as well.

            Lastly, I’ll mention that I was thirty when Judy and I entered the second year of our marriage. By then we were able to cultivate some good foundations for a healthy marriage.

            I enjoyed being married to Judy-so much so-I did not feel a deep yearning to have children. We were married almost 5 years before we had Haleigh. I wanted to have children because I felt privileged to participate in God’s work and mission in the world, not because I wanted to bring a third party into our household to compensate for something that was missing in our marriage.

            It was in that decade, before we had children, that Judy became my best friend. She remains so to this day.

            It was during that time that I really enjoyed being in her company. Those days, I would rather be at home with her than anywhere else. Later, I would rather be home with Judy and my kids than anywhere else. This feeling continue to this day.

            Looking back, I realize that during my thirties, God cultivated an understanding within me of how blessed I am. I remain blessed.

            This is God's gracious activity in my life. I don't know how long it will last. I am not entitled to these blessings, but I have learned to squeeze every bit of enjoyment out of them while I can.

            My children are not my toys. They have begun leaving home, one by one. This is as it should be.

            I would love to die at exactly the same time Judy does. It probably will not happen that way. Yet I remain forever grateful for whatever time we have left together.

            We humans deserve spiritual separation from God. Anything we get above that is a gift.

            Salvation comes by God’s grace. Other events that bring joy come by the grace of God as well.

Five Things I Think I Think (with a nod to Peter King for this idea)

1. Last week I finished LOOKING FOR ANNE OF GREEN GABLES THE STORY OF L. M. MONTGOMERY AND HER LITERARY CLASSIC. The author is Irene Gammel, a professor of English at Ryerson University in Toronto.

            Drawing extensively from Montgomery’s diaries and journals, Gammel provides a detailed backdrop of Montgomery's inspiration for Anne. While Gammel’s work is not a true biography, she uses her rich resource material to reveal a multi-layered depiction of Montgomery's life.

            While her life might be described as a wonderful life, it was a very sad life also. Montgomery's mother died when she was young; raised by her grandmother, their relationship in adulthood was extremely strained. Both experienced an even worse relationship with Montgomery’s uncle, who attempted to remove Montgomery and grandmother from the family homestead—where Maud cared for her grandmother during the matriarch’s final years.

            Like most writers, Lucy Maud Montgomery was a complicated human being. Montgomery married a Presbyterian minister, Ewan Macdonald, while in her late thirties. She bore him three sons, one being stillborn.

            This I knew.

            What I did not know was that Ewan suffered a nervous breakdown, and was continually plagued by deep depression until his death. Moreover, she suffered from depression as well. Instead of each partner being available to pick the other up, Maud and her husband each exasperated the condition of the other.

            Most biographies and encyclopedic works note that Montgomery died of heart disease in 1942 at the age of 67. Ewan died one year later.

            (Not found in the book, but related information to Montgomery’s depression, is an article written by Montgomery’s granddaughter, Kate Macdonald Butler, published in the Toronto newspaper THE GLOBE AND MAIL, in 2008. She claimed that instead of dying of heart disease, Montgomery took her on life through a drug overdose. Here is a link to that article: http://v1.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080919.wmhmontgomery0920/BNStory/mentalhealth/

            A biographer argues that Montgomery did not kill herself: http://v1.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080924.wmontgomery24/BNStory/mentalhealth/

            Whether or not Montgomery took her own life, the consensus among scholars is that psychologically, she was in a bad way at the time of her death.)

            ANNE OF GREEN GABLES did not arrive solely from Montgomery’s inspiration. It was also the product of many years of reading, observing, and writing—the writing being only moderately successful… until Anne.

            Ultimately, I believe Gammel’s book is worth reading for anyone who is a fan of that redheaded girl from Prince Edward Island.

2. The more I listen to Washington talk about the debt crisis, the more I think Aristotle was right—virtue lies between two extremes. There are probably exceptions, but I think Aristotle affirmed the rule.

3. Four episodes to go in the first year of “24.” Haleigh has gone to DRY BONES this week in Denver, so I’ve got to wait until she gets back. I’ve got to concede—

Jack Bauer must have experienced the most stressful twenty-four hour period of humankind in a long time. I would not trade places with him.

4. The Texas Rangers beat the trading deadline with some good trades. I like it that they received Koji Uehara and Mike Adams—good pitchers for the seventh and eighth innings. I also like their chances in the playoffs—assuming they get there.

5. Who is going to beat the Eagles in the East? They made great moves last week, especially signing Vince Young to back up Michael Vick (similar qb styles), Nnamdi Asomugha and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. Andy Reid is a very good analyst of player personnel.

        

            

Joy in Marriage

My wife, Judy, like all good Shiloh members, always checks out the sermon titles for the upcoming Sunday sermons. A couple of Sundays ago, I was preaching on the subject of “Joy in Marriage.”

The Wednesday before, Judy, our two smaller children, and I were driving to a city, where I was to speak at a church that night. We were going to check into the hotel first, and I had the address and a general idea of where to go, but I wanted to be sure there were no snafus. It was important that we arrive in a timely manner, so as not to be late to my preaching engagement.

I was driving, and I asked Judy to take my iPhone and look for directions. She took the phone and commenced her search.

At first, I encouraged her to use our AT&T Navigator service. She could not find the App. So, I told her to let me use the phone for just a second. With a quick glance and the use of my thumb, I could locate the App and she could type in the directions, but Judy did not want to do that. She did not want to break the law, or even the spirit of the law, and risk us experiencing an accident.

After another wait, I suggested she try searching on Google directions. She agreed, but again had a number of issues to contend with, and she was trapped in a cell phone labyrinth. I renewed my offer to give a quick glance at the phone. Again, she turned down my suggestion.

Confessionally speaking, by now, I was beginning to battle my flesh. This is a character flaw of mine. I’ve got to calm down. I was battling my emotions. I knew deep down I was being hypocritical. After all, how many times have I asked my co-workers for tech support?

I kept reminding myself, if this happened when we were dating, my attitude would be one of tenderness, compassion, and I would even probably find it cute. (Then, of course, I remembered that this could not have occurred when we were dating, unless it was the telegraph Judy was trying to use. I guess I could've said, “You need to press “dot” then “dash”…)

Unfortunately, we were not dating, and my sinful flesh was wanting to scream out, “What is the matter with you, woman! It's an iPhone for crying out loud! This is supposed to be user-friendly! Why can't you get it! And, if you cannot get to it, the least you could do is pass me the phone!”

(Of course, when I am asking for help, my attitude is, “Don’t be condescending to me!” When someone else is asking me for help, my attitude is, “Why can’t you get this?”)

She knew I wanted to scream out, but I was suppressing it. She heard my words, “Honeybunch, sugar-pie”, but she knew I was forcing it. My redeemed mind was trying to encourage my emotional body to pretend that I was dating again. She heard me taking the deep breaths, trying to calm down.

Let me tell you, though, my wife is sharp. Taking everything in, Judy, looked up with a smile on her face, and, with an arched eyebrow of understanding, and she said, “Joy in marriage.”

My wife knows me cold! With one remark, one phrase, three words, she deftly parried my emotional state and, with humor, addressed my sinful, evil nature. I was properly chastened.

This episode reminds me of Prov. 27:17, “Just as iron sharpens iron, friends sharpen the minds of each other.”

I know Judy has got my best interests at heart. She wants to help me put off “evil Mark” and put on Jesus. At times, this process can even be painful, but it is worth it.

Now, to those of you who believe you are stuck with a bad mate, let me say this. I don’t believe there is a spouse, who can prove so challenging that you cannot grow to be like Jesus. As a matter of fact, so often in Scripture, it is the adverse relationships that cultivate the deeper relationship with Jesus.

Allow me to pull a verse out of context—Ecc. 4:9, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work.” I realize that is talking about work; however, if it applies to work, I would certainly expect it to apply to marriage. What a marvelous privilege it is to travel through life with one you love more than anyone else on the planet, and one who loves you above all others.

Joy in marriage, indeed!

Five Things I Think I Think (with a nod to Peter King for this idea)

1. Thank you, Mike Wells, for sharing your story yesterday in our Sunday morning assembly. Before I left the auditorium, I knew your words had impacted people’s lives.

2. I cannot wait until this Sunday morning. We are going to be talking about finding joy in God’s healing. One from our Shiloh family has written, for us, how God has brought her through the most brutal of travails. Understanding the sensitivity of our setting, and the place she is with her family, I will be reading her words to the assembly. Her story of God’s healing will, I believe, give some people hope, who never thought they would experience it.

3. I always wondered what would happen to a civilization that denies the existence of God or of gods. Especially what it would do about death. I may have found an answer. I see yesteryear’s views of South African statesman, Jan Smuts, gaining traction today. Some folks, who are attempting to unify theology and quantum physics, are relegating what was formerly labeled “dead” to what they call the junk heap of failed, mechanical, classical science. Instead of dying, everything recreates itself to become part, yet again, of the greater whole of the universe. Other implications: a stone is not a lifeless object; it is, rather, a compaction of energy. Interesting—those rejecting God could still not escape the spiritual. 

 

4. I got to go with a group from our church, Tuesday night, to see Cliff Lee pitch for the Texas Rangers against the Oakland Athletics. He pitched nine innings, threw 13 strikeouts, and had nary a walk. The only negative was he did not get the win. Ian Kinsler did not cover second on a steal attempt and the catcher’s throw traveled into center field, thus allowing the A’s to score an unearned run. Nelson Cruz won it in the tenth with a walk off home run. These are fun times to be a Ranger fan.

5. Our six-year-old PC has a virus. We have been preparing for this day. Consequently, we have ordered an iMac from the Apple Education Store. (As an educator, Judy receives a discount.)

            I am happy, especially, for our older girls. Too many times, the past couple of years, they had to wait on the computer when doing their homework. It was as if there was a hamster turning a wheel to power our PC’s internet search engine and software—and he was tired! In all fairness, I am sure there were a number of factors involved including how many items we had on the computer. Still, it WAS old.

            One nice byproduct, we get a free iPod touch with this order. This will serve as a nice Christmas gift for our two youngest, Timothy and Annie. Please don’t tell them!

The Courage of D-Day

I remember watching SAVING PRIVATE RYAN for the first time back in 1998. The movie made a visceral impact on those of us in the theater that night. I left wondering if exposure to that movie would ultimately reduce the amount of young men and women serving in the armed forces.

That did not happen. Never has there been more awareness of the cost of war. We live in a culture that encourages young people to sacrifice for their country, even if it means being killed or maimed. Yet, we, for almost a decade fought a war in two nations, Afghanistan and Iraq, with forces supplied by volunteers.

Last week, I wrote about how God did not create us to be individuals, who are isolated or apart. Rather, he designed us to be part of a community – that is one of the reasons why he gave us the church. God also created most of us to create the community of marriage and family.

Gary Thomas writes in his book, Sacred Marriage, that God’s priority in marriage is not our personal happiness. We live in a culture that tries to tell us that if we are going to get married, then by all means, do it to find happiness.

God’s priority is that marriage helps us to be more like Jesus. Consequently, there is a cross in the center of our marriages.

We don’t idolize romance. We don’t make an idol out of marriage. What we need to understand is we are flawed entering into these marriages, marrying other flawed human beings. Together, in this process, hopefully, we have learned enough about being satisfied with Christ, and we have learned enough about what it is to depend upon Christ, that in those rough points in our marriage, we can stay together in a community of faith because the cross of Jesus is at the center.

We, in the church, must redefine sacrifice. We must broaden the definition of acceptable terms of what is sacrifice. We think nothing of asking 18-year-olds to surrender their lives for the country. But, we think it terrible to ask 18 year olds to sacrifice their lives in a bad marriage. The assumption is—it will never get better; therefore, let them leave the marriage.

Again, we think nothing of asking 18-year-olds to sacrifice their lives in War. We feel no regret encouraging them to risk war wounds, which could lead to lives filled with pain. We consider the cause worth the sacrifice.

Yet, we think it's awful to ask an 18-year-old to sacrifice and live in a marriage in which the spouse does not respond to servant leadership. We consider the emotional pain of a bad marriage to be too great. The cross, asks us to reconfigure our assumptions about marriage.

It is time that the community of faith has input in the lives of married Christians. Marriage and divorce are not private matters for couples; they affect the entire body of Christ.


Five Things I Think I Think (with a nod to Peter King for this idea)

1. At last I found it! I have been waiting since 2004 for the soundtrack for PETER PAN to come out. I’m talking about the most recent version with Jeremy Sumpter. My kids all love that movie. I like the movie and love the music. iTunes has it now, so I downloaded my favorite pieces. Great stuff. “Flying” is the piece that Disney has used the past few years in their commercials for Walt Disney World.

2. NBC! You’re showing family movies like the Mormons use to make. SECRETS OF THE MOUNTAIN was great, clean, family entertainment. Thanks.

3. I checked out one of the 100 Greatest Movies of all time from the public library last week. It is a silent movie made by and starring, Charlie Chaplin. The name of the movie? CITY LIGHTS. I have got to tell you, I was enthralled. Was it a comedy I saw, or a love story? I am not sure. I laughed out loud, but I found the ending amazing poignant and moving. The payoff is definitely waiting until the ending. Now, if I can only convince my entire family to sit through a silent movie. Perhaps if I get them to begin, they will not want the movie to end.

4. I am pleased say no one has left yet in our series on sexuality, not even our guests. Thanks to God for that blessing.

5. I don’t know if I want Colt McCoy to be drafted high or low this week in the NFL draft. I suspect the lower he goes, the better off he will be in his future career.

Have a great week!