Order in the Court

This week our family began implementing THE FAMILY RULES by Matthew A. Johnson. It is a creative way to bring discipline, order, structure, and boundaries to a family. (Why in the world would the Edges need this?!)

Our system is based upon Johnson’s book, POSITIVE PARENTING WITH A PLAN. The idea is that in clearly communicating family rules and expectations and enforcing those rules with “good habit cards,” operating in a manner that is correct and consistent (holding even parents accountable), a parent will never have to yell, stress out, cry, cajole, or make a fool of himself to bring out decent behaviors and attitudes in children.

So far, so good. Yet, even Johnson warns, look out for testing, threats, coercion, pitting parent against parent and other negative behaviors from the children. He even warns parents to watch out themselves for these behaviors.

I have enough experience with families, churches, and other systems to know what he is talking about. I have found that everyone wants order, until it creates disorder for one’s self.

Let me put it another way. There is a reason disorder, what I like to call “unholy chaos,” exists—members of the system prefer it. Oh, they may not say so, but their complicity belies that desire. This is the systems version of, “Don’t mess with me, and I won’t mess with you.”

The problem, of course, is that in any system, people having the freedom to act as they wish could easily lead to disorder. Personal boundaries are extended too wide. Personal space is violated. It’s the college apartment, where no one does the dishes, and one day a guy reaches for a plate—only to discover there is literally not a clean dish in the house. NOW, he is for discipline, or for a maid.

The moment that disorder is addressed, discomfort seeps in. “Hey, HE needs to be held accountable, not me.” My disorder being addressed signifies my need for change in behavior and attitude. That is always hard. It is easier to evade responsibility, blame the new rules, or new structure and attempt to restore the old system.

We all want to play our “get out of discipline free card.” You have enough people who feel that way and, voila! You have an unruly system.

On the other hand, you get enough people who are sick of not having any clean dishes, and then you have hope of restoring order.  Even better, if the leaders of the system are enthusiastic about “getting caught” so that they will be discipline by the group, group morale increases.

I can’t tell you the mileage I received by getting caught the other night at the dinner table and having to pick a “good habit” card. (“Daddy got caught!”) I think Judy and I have already proven we will allow ourselves to be held accountable. Now, can we be disciplined enough to hold our children accountable? Will we invest the time necessary? Time will tell.

Five Things I Think I Think (with a nod to Peter King for this idea)

1. I finished a fascinating book last week—THE INVENTION OF AIR by Steven Johnson. It is a biography, more or less, of Joseph Priestly, telling of his scientific work in the 18^th century in electricity and chemistry, with a special telling of his role in the discovery of oxygen. However, the British Priestly played an influential part in the American Revolution, and beyond, because of his work as a theological and political thinker. He forged unique relationships with Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and John Adams—relationships that impacted the thought processes of the three Americans.

            To me, the most fascinating line in the entire book was this, “Clearly one lesson is that Priestley—and his kindred spirits in London, Birmingham, Quincy, and Monticello—refused to compartmentalize science, faith, and politics. They saw those three systems not as separate intellectual fiefdoms, but rather as a continuum, or a connected web” (p. 211.)

            Hasn’t much of the complaint we have heard over the past two decades that of the need to segregate science, religion, and politics?

2. Should I be getting nervous over the lack of scoring by the Dallas Cowboy offense in the preseason? 

3. I started a new series on the book of JUDE last night for our Sunday night group. I think we got off to a good start. I hope preaching JUDE proves not to be a mistake.

4. Cliff Lee is definitely in a slump. When will he get out? I think soon.

5. Andy Woods’ new school looks good.