Living Together

            A trend I’m seeing more and more is living together. No, I am not talking about a trend in our society. I know it’s been going on there for a long time.

            I am not even talking about unchurched people who are visiting churches as they consider responding to the gospel. Their job is to live according to the flesh. It would be very difficult for them to live holy lives without the Holy Spirit living inside of them.

            What I am speaking of is the amount of Christians I am seeing who, although they have grown up in Christian families and attended churches, are living together.

            This is possibly connected to the fact that, for the past decade or so, more and more Christian college students, whether they attend state universities or Christian, are feeling comfortable spending the night in the residences of members of the opposite sex.

            Another offshoot of this is the old THREE’S COMPANY theme—Christian men and women from the same town or church moving to state universities and sharing a house or apartment. Usually, it is two boys and one girl—or vice versa.

            You might be shocked to hear this but—I don’t think this is a good idea. The frog is in the kettle, and the water is growing warmer.

            There are several reasons why I don’t think this is a good idea. (None of them include a “thus sayeth the Lord—thou shalt not live together.”) Let me offer three.

            First, even the world assumes that men and women will be (what the Bible calls) tempted to have sex. I use that term advisedly—recognizing the world generally does not care if people have sex before marriage.

            Should we as Christians assume otherwise? I remember when THREE’S COMPANY, now shown on TV LAND, first appeared on the ABC network. I was a junior in high school.

            Culture at the time considered it one racy comedy. Sexual innuendo was present everywhere. Part of the tension was based upon the premise that there no way one guy living with two attractive girls would NOT be having sex with at least one or both of them. Indeed, part of the gag was that the threesome lied to their neighbors and told everyone that the guy was gay.

            Again, the world still assumes that sexual sparks will fly when you have men and women living together—they just don’t care. Today, the neighbors in THREE’S COMPANY would say, “Go ahead, have sex.”

            With regard to the trend of Christian couples buying or renting a place before the wedding--and moving in together, let me share a story. One time, I was discussing this very topic with a group of older Christians who were in their seventies and eighties. They were, believe it or not, trying to get me to preach some sermons on sex and sexuality for those who were younger Christians.

            I was sharing with them the percentage of U. S. Christians who were moving in together before marriage (or spending the night together in apartments or motels) before marriage; yet, most were claiming to not be having sex.

            The older Christians roared with laughter—their laugh rooted in skepticism. They knew the human condition. They knew the pull of sexual desire. Most of all, they knew the challenges of remaining pure until marriage.

            This just in—the hardest thing on the planet is to refrain from a sexual relationship when you are engaged to marry someone. Restraint is NOT a casual decision; it is a war against ancient desires and against an evil ruler of a dark world. Without the greatest effort, a person will not be victorious.

            Ever hear of bundling? In colonial America in the mid-1700s, a young man would visit the family of the young woman he was courting. Typically, he would stay the night.

            The family would make provision for the couple to sleep together in the same bed. A “bundling” board was placed in between the boy and girl, physically separating them to ensure that nothing sexual would happen. The boy and the girl would wrap themselves in separate blankets. The couple could talk to each other—but that was all they were allowed to do.

            Strangely enough, the illegitimate birthrate shot up dramatically. It was not reduced until a great wave of spiritual revival hit the United States in the late 1700s.

            Joseph ran from sexual temptation in Genesis 39. That is probably good advice for all Christians.

            Today’s popular culture is wired with the assumption that couples live together and have sex before marriage. Whenever they see a man and a woman living together, they assume they are having sex. This leads me a to a second reason for not living together before marriage—our Christian witness.

            Christians are part of the universal church of God. The church is called to be a holy community. The church is called to be above reproach. What that means is that Christians understand that sacrifice is expected in order to rise above the level of innuendo. This is critical, strategically, for the mission of the church. 

            No problem. Christians understand Jesus called them to carry a cross and to crucify self (see Luke 9:23.)

            The Kingdom of God is not growing in the U. S. That is no secret. One reason is that Christians too often do not live up to the standard of their message.

            The world has no problem with a couple having sex before marriage, but the world does have a problem with two Christians having sex before marriage -- that is, if the two Christians hope to witness about the life-changing good news of Jesus.

            Paul writes in I Thess. 5:22,  "Avoid every kind of evil." Paul's advice is good in two ways. The world doesn't mind dabbling in evil, but they don't want Christians to do so. Why give them the appearance? Moreover, as mentioned, living together does not avoid impurity; it opens up the possibility of impurity.

            This may be hitting closer to the heart of the challenge churches face.  Bottom line: many Christians make it a low priority to bring people into the Kingdom. For a lot of Christians, following Jesus is a means to an end, and usually that end spells the pursuit of fulfillment for the Christian. The thought of carrying a cross for the Kingdom, placing the needs of others before self, or seeking to carry out Jesus’ will before one’s own—is idealistic at best, and repugnant at worst.

            Author and preacher Tullian Tchividjian, paraphrasing John Calvin, said, “The human heart is an idol-making factory.” I think he is on to something. We in the Kingdom of God must surrender idol worship and truly live out our call to discipleship.

            A third reason for the sexes not living together before marriage, and here I am again speaking of couples dating, is this—their children. I have lived long enough to see a few generations having to tell their kids—“Don’t do things like I did them. Learn from my mistakes.”

            I have to do this myself. It is not fun to advise my kids, "Learn from my mistakes…", even if it is as impersonal and universal as explaining the time I got stopped on Main Street in high school for speeding. I cannot imagine what it would it would be like to explain that Judy and I lived together before marriage.

            I can testify to this--it is nice to be able to look my kids in the eye and tell them that Judy and I waited until we were married to experience God's greatest gift to a couple.

            Let’s pretend you can live with a person you are dating, or to whom you are engaged, and not engage in sex. (I could not do it—I know of less than five who have even claimed they could.) Do you think you can bottle that self-discipline and sell it to your kids?

            God has gifted you with imagination. Imagine yourself facing your beautiful daughter, as she tells you she wants to live with some guy—only in purity, of course. If she asks, “Did you ever live with dad (or mom) before marriage…” do you want to answer, “Yes”?

            James Dobson used to say, “Life is loaded.” What he meant is that all of us—but especially younger people—can make decisions that can blow up on us.

            There is no question in my mind that someday our descendants will live in a society that values purity before marriage. A culture will be destroyed by its own weight if it does not.

            The question for us today in the church is, will we lead by example? Or will the culture have to take us where we should have been all along?

           

           

Five Things I Think I Think (with a nod to Peter King for this idea)

1. Casey Anthony—found innocent! Look out, Casey. They can still take away your Heisman Trophy.

2. Rangers on a seven game winning streak. May July be a month of separation.

3. Congratulations Doug Page on your new preaching job at Kaufman. And thank you for introducing me to the “HootSuite” app. Never has simultaneous tweeting and Facebook posting been easier.

4. Last week, I completed the new history of ESPN entitled THOSE GUYS HAVE ALL THE FUN. Although it is over 700 pages, it is a fast read—and a fascinating one. Part of the charm is the participants basically tell the story through their interviews. The authors (compilers) are the same guys who wrote (compiled) LIVE FROM NEW YORK, which was a history of SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.

5. Jaycee Dugard, you are one amazing human being. May God bless your future.